Boundaries Aren’t Selfish — They’re Essential for Healthy Relationships

At Tenacity Counseling Center, I often meet clients who feel guilty for saying “no.” They’ve been told boundaries are selfish or unkind — but in reality, boundaries are one of the most important skills for protecting your mental and emotional well-being.

Boundaries are not walls that keep people out; they’re clear, respectful agreements that teach others how to treat you. Without them, burnout, resentment, and overwhelm creep in — often without us realizing it.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

I like to explain boundaries as a fence with a gate. You decide who comes in, when, and how. Without that fence, your time, energy, and peace are open to whoever demands them.

As psychologist Dr. Sharon Martin explains, “Healthy boundaries define what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship and help maintain balance, respect, and trust.”

Boundaries are about clarity — not cruelty. They help us show up fully for the people and responsibilities that matter most.

Why We Struggle to Set Boundaries

Many people avoid setting boundaries because they fear disappointing others, appearing selfish, or sparking conflict. But the truth is, avoiding boundaries often creates the very problems we’re trying to prevent — conflict, tension, and disconnection.

According to Speed, Goldstein & Goldfried (2018), “Assertiveness training helps clients openly verbalize their wants and needs, and is a valuable transdiagnostic intervention.” This means it’s a skill that benefits nearly every mental health concern, from anxiety to relationship issues.

A Simple Tool to Start Using Today

Next time you’re asked to commit to something, pause for three seconds before you answer. Ask yourself: “Do I actually want to do this, or do I feel like I should?”

This short pause interrupts the automatic “yes” that often comes from guilt or people-pleasing. Over time, your brain learns that it’s safe to make decisions based on self-respect instead of fear.

Dorland’s Medical Dictionary notes, “Assertiveness is a communication skill that can be taught and effectively learned.” That means you can get better at setting boundaries with practice — and it will get easier.

Watch: Boundaries Aren’t Selfish (60 Seconds or Less)

Below is my short video on why boundaries matter and how to start setting them without guilt. In just under a minute, I share a perspective and tool you can use right away to begin protecting your peace.

Ready to Set Boundaries Without Guilt?

If you’ve been feeling drained, resentful, or overwhelmed, healthy boundaries can change the way you relate to yourself and others. Therapy can give you the tools, language, and confidence to set them — and keep them.

Book a session here — Let’s create boundaries that protect your peace and strengthen your relationships.

Professional References

1. Martin, S. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. Harmony.

2. Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.

3. Townsend, H. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.